Fleeting Flings, Good Sex, and No Regrets

This journey has been nothing short of life changing. From diffusing triggers, and the ups and downs, I've talked a lot about the downs. But there are a few things that happened weeks or months ago that still bring a smile to my face when I think of them. There are people I've met who were a very clear reflection of toxic patterns of a type I had. 

Elijah from Texas*

*Some names changed for anonymity

I met Elijah when I first got to Sofia, Bulgaria at the hostel I was staying at. He was volunteering at the hostel and came from Texas. His goofy and semi-flirty sense of humor had me crushing on him immediately. We ended up spending some time together when out with our other hostel mates. And he was like....CLUELESS. I dropped hints left, right, and center until I just got fed up and told him one night at a bar with our other friend Jordan. I was like "Dude, I been tryna shoot my shot with you since day one and nothing!" He had no idea lol. So that night, we were cooking dinner in the kitchen and we were getting super flirty with the looks, and the slightly mean but funny comments. And so when the other 5 people finally decided to get the fuck out of the kitchen, I planted one on him. The unfortunate thing was that I had to leave for Plovdiv the next morning. So we didn't have a lot of time. So....he agreed to come to Plovdiv for a few days. 

When he arrived in Plovdiv, we started seeing the sites and getting to know one another. It was about 2 days before the goofy sense of humor that appealed to me, stopped appealing to me. He started to remind me of my ex who I had been with for 4 years. That goofy sense of humor became invalidation and emotional unavailability really quick. Afterall, every time I tried to have a conversation with him, it turned into an inappropriate joke. It took me no time at all to remember this is why I broke up with my ex. Being drawn to this was part of my relationship pattern. Only this time, it wasn't going to be 4 years. About a month into my travels after that, I realized that I was no longer attracted to that kind of person and I would never pursue someone like that again. Someone who invalidates everything I say and feel by making a joke out of it. He was a damn good lesson in patterns and he was also my one way ticket out of that pattern. He showed me just how ready I was for a different type of person. :)

Hilco from the Netherlands

This one is one of favorites. It happened in Athens and it's my favorite mainly because we were so mean to each other for the first 36 hours of meeting one another. 

    I bought a brand new beautiful, yet sexy swimsuit in Antalya and wanted to do a bit of a photoshoot by the sad excuse for a pool on the rooftop of the hostel. Well, I got all ready and went up on to the terrace and was hopeful it would be empty. I go around the corner and there was this tall m*ther-f*cker lounging by the pool. He asked if I wanted him to move, and I told him that would be ideal. He moved to another spot on the terrace but kept eyeing me up and down during my amateur shoot. I mean, I don't really blame him. I looked good. 

    So later that day, I saw him down in the lounge and he was telling people how this mean lady kicked him off the side of the pool. I laughed so hard before flipping him off. Then I came over and told him to get the fuck outta my chair. And he laughed....before flipping me off with 2 fingers. When we went to the pub crawl offered by the hostel we were staying at, we finally learned eachother's names when we were in the club and could barely hear each other. We were also both incoherently inebriated. So naturally, when we went back to the hostel, we drank more vodka. 

I was damn near passing out on the couch in the lounge so we both decided to go to our respective dorms to turn in for the night. When in bed, we started messaging each other on Instagram. And I suggested making out on the roof top. The next thing I hear is his dorm room door open and close, and then I get a message saying "Well what are you waiting for?" 

So, with our comforters in our arms, we carry them up to the terrace to keep us warm and find the super big pillows they have to lay on and look up at the stars. It was such a clear night. You could see every constellation. It was a beautiful night. We talked about different things, that I honestly can't even remember now. All I remember is getting closer and feeling the warmth of his hand cupping the side of my neck before he kissed me. And that's all that happened. Thinking about that night still leaves a smile on my face years later. Kissing a Dutch stranger under the stars on the roof of our hostel. 

This blog post goes unfinished for the simple fact that It's been years. These memories will always be with me. 

3 Things Solo Travel Taught Me About My Triggers

On this journey, I have become more secure with myself, I've become closer with the people I care about, and I completely healed from all the nonsense I put myself through in 2021. I didn't just heal from the events themselves, I made huge headway in healing the trauma those events did to my mind. 

This doesn't mean I'm devoid of any triggers, and my life is a happy go lucky, triggerless, and wound-free existence. No no. I still get triggered, I still react to some things disproportionately here and there, and I still beat myself up sometimes. It just doesn't last as long, and I don't overthink it for the same amount of time that maybe I did 3 months ago. Validating my thoughts, emotions, and feelings and accepting their existence was a gamechanger in how I think about things, and how I move forward when I have a hurtful experience. 

Here are 3 things that solo travel taught me about triggers:

1) It's okay to run from them. 

Just don't ignore them. And yes, there's a difference. If you are in a triggering situation, the best thing you can do is leave that situation, even if only temporarily to collect your thoughts and gain more perspective on things. But don't ignore the thoughts and feelings you're having in regards to the situation. Work through them, validate them, process them. Contrary to very popular, and unhealthy beliefs, you don't actually need to traumatize yourself by staying in that situation in order to prove yourself to be a strong person. The strongest thing you can do is put your ego aside, show yourself some love, and get as far away as possible so you can start to heal. Knowing when to remove yourself is the greatest show of self-love. 

2) Your triggers WILL show up when you travel.

No matter how far you go, you will get triggered. And it's okay. There's many things your triggers will teach you. We will talk more about that in number 3. There is no escaping the inevitability of your triggers showing up. Actually, they will show up especially when you travel because you don't really have much distracting you from acknowledging that you've been triggered and old wounds are opening up. You will realize just how much time you spent before, pretending something didn't bother you when you were really just suppressing it. When you travel solo, you will be forced to deal with the same things you dealt with at home, but now you have the time and space to work through it.

3) What can your triggers teach you?

When you're faced with a trigger when traveling solo, it brings the utmost clarity on so many things. It brings clarity on exactly what about that person/place/thing triggered you. It brings clarity on the root of your emotions and the belief system that has been activated. This means that you gain clarity on what area you need to work on, and the wounds that still affect your belief systems, relationships, etc. I'm going to write a whole other blog post on this, but I had a huge trigger on the road that activated the belief system that I'm not good enough to be chosen. It became crystal clear what still needs work so I can start making conscious decisions that are choosing me and start focusing more on me. I gained so much clarity on what I need. Because that's what emotions are for...to communicate to you a need you have. 

Much love, 

Annie

xoxo

"So, What's Your Favorite Place?"

I have gotten this question a lot from different different people in the time that I've been gone. And the answer is never one that they expect. I can tell you that I've seen some amazing things in the places I've been, breathtaking landscapes and scenery, and historical architecture most will never see in their lifetimes. And it has all been magical. It is truly a fairytale I'm living. But when I think about the places I've been, I don't really think about the things I've seen; only the people I've met, the experiences I've had, and especially the growth and healing I did in each place. 

💖In Plovdiv, I learned to process the emotions around saying goodbye and healthy detachment.

💖In Istanbul, I learned the art of not reacting and met a good friend.

💖In Antalya, I began learning how to trust people and  myself.

💖In Sparta, I was isolated with no distractions from my thoughts and feelings. And I released years of pent up emotions. It was painful and scary. I cried for hours on end. But I'm extremely grateful to have experienced that. 

💖In Patras, I finally started fully enjoying my own company.

💖In Ioaninna, I had a fulfilling yoga practice that allowed me to release more emotion and the next day, I felt real joy getting through for the first time. 

💖In Gjirokaster, I learned to validate my feelings and surrounded myself with people who understood me, as well I started learning to strive to understand people before making decisions about them. 

Shall I go on?

As beautiful as these places are, when I think about them, it's the growth I did there that comes to mind. Nobody is perfect and I don't strive to be. But when you know a change in your thinking is long overdue, there's a lot that comes with that. With the lessons and healing I mentioned above, it's caused a complete overhaul in the way I think, the way I move, and how I interact with people. Healing is a lifelong journey but at this moment, I'm extremely grateful for how far I've come. 

My favorite place is where I'm at right now; mentally and emotionally. All the physical places I've been thus far have brought me here. To this place. And there's no other place I'd rather be. I have 6-7 weeks left of my physical journey, but the one in my mind goes far beyond my departure date. If I've done that much growth in 2 months...what will the next 6 weeks bring? I'm so excited to find out. And to continue when I return to Canada. I will always be working on myself, not to achieve perfection but to achieve a version of myself that the current version can always be proud of. I have become the person little me needed desperately, and I've become the woman little me is so proud of. 

My favorite place is the here and now. My favorite place is calm, peaceful, and accepting. It is me and all the of current and future versions of myself. 

I love you all!

xoxo

Annie.

The Hellos...and Goodbyes of Solo Travel

As someone who has come a long way in healing my anxious attachment, learning how to say goodbye has been pivotal in understanding that my path may be very different from people I meet in life. I'm not saying that you should strive for temporary relationships and friendships as a way of healing. I'm saying that we need to change how we perceive it when we are no longer close with, or are growing apart from some people in our lives. Also, when something doesn't go as hoped or expected with a romantic interest!

Five day friendships, 3 day romances, and some that only last a matter of hours is something you grow accustomed to on the road. And you learn to accept it as you and them simply having different paths, literally. When I go home, I will carry that perspective with me in a figurative sense. Everyone is on their own journey, they have their own paths to fulfill. It's okay to hurt when it's time to say goodbye, and it's okay to feel the entire rush of ecstatic emotions when you meet. The biggest thing I'm learning is that you have to process those emotions instead of pretending it's "no big deal". 

The people who meet on your path are a big part of life's highs and lows. That goes for solo travel especially. One day, you're having cocktails with these amazing people in Antalya, Turkey, and the next day, you're saying goodbye and it's just you and your thoughts. This isn't about people leaving. This is about accepting that people come and go on the road and in life. Sometimes, you become more emotionally invested in some people than others. And that's okay. It just means you're opening your heart. Just remember to have boundaries and respect the expiration date. 

Every person you meet contributes to your experience in this life. I'm sitting at the bus station in Ioannina, Greece right now, with 2 months to go and I can already say every person I've met has changed my life in some way. It's not about trying to keep people forever. It's about the moments you share together. That kiss on the roof under the stars, that roadtrip and unexpected swim in the mediterranean on the coast of Turkey with the best people you could find, that fling you had in Bulgaria, the yoga teacher that made you feel completely safe in releasing emotions during her class. All of these people taught me how to love, how to trust, and how to let go with acceptance and memories that will last forever. 

The one relationship that will last forever with no holds barred, is the one with yourself. So when you find yourself alone with thoughts and feelings you never knew you had, that's the one that's going to carry you through when it's time to say goodbye. Trust that you will be okay. And you will carry on, trust in what the continuation of your path holds. You will meet more people that will change you in some way. You will make more and new memories. You will have so many more amazing experiences with people who align with the path you're on right now. It's okay to love and trust in this moment. And it's  okay to say goodbye. It's okay to carry with you the memory and to allow those memories to bring you complete joy or sadness. It means you're human. Care. That's all I can say. Care about the people you meet and the experiences. Don't pretend not to care any longer. Love with all your heart. Even through the goodbyes and the growth. Even through those painful moments. 

To the people I've met, and the people I have yet to meet on this trip and in my life, I love you wholly and without barriers. Thank you for being apart of my journey whether you were a lesson or a blessing<3

Love Annie

xoxo

Alone in Greece: The Time and Space I Needed

 

Two weeks may not seem like a big deal but 2 weeks of straight solitude can feel like a lifetime. Emotions that I had been distracting myself from and pushing down started surfacing. My complete denial of their existence caught up to me in a hurry. The way I'm writing about this makes it sound like some horrible experience but the truth is, I was going to have to address them sooner or later. What better time to deal with unexpressed emotions than the solitude I had to cry hard, cry loud, and release the sorrow, the despair, the love, and the anger I had been clinging to. It only just occurred to me that I'm hanging on to a love that wasn't reciprocated, but that doesn't make my love any less valid. 

Athens let me release energy I had pent up. Sparti gave me the isolation I needed to scream, to cry, to climb mountains and defeat obstacles literally and figuratively. It gave me the space to start seeing alone and lonliness as opportunities to start loving my own company. When I climbed the mountain in Mystras and took a hundred selfies and a thousand pictures of all the same things, I started to embrace my own company and gave me so many reasons to love being physically alone without needing to keep people away.

Patras let me truly experience that aloneness without the discomfort for once. It was comfortable, I was happy. I did what I pleased. Whether it was going for 4 hour walks or staying in and throwing on Netflix with snacks. 

Ioannina is going to be my first time in nearly 2 weeks that I'll be staying with people and I'm almost nervous about it. I'm anxious but excited to socialize again and practice some yoga. I was really enjoying being by myself toward the end of my stay in Patras. But I'm also tired. I did a lot of moving around traveling place to place to place in Greece. So I'm excited to stay in one spot for longer. 

I have a long way's to go but the solitude gave me the time and space I needed to work through some things. There are some things I still think about very single day. It takes up more mental energy than emotional now. I find relief in thinking about other things. But there were obviously unresolved emotions there and that's why it's all I've been thinking about. 

Let's talk about my last "relationships". I think it's so hard to let go of because I never felt so loved and neglected at the same time. I think it's the biggest time in my life where I actually felt that my core needs were being met in some weird way. So I fell in love. Even though it was not a healthy love, it was still real love to me. And that's okay. I need to let it all in. I think that's what my yoga retreat will help with. Letting in my love for people and replacing anger with that love. But at some point, I still need to learn how to let it go. 

As they say, travel doesn't solve your problems, it simply gives you the time and space to work through them. And no truer words have never been spoken. 

It's okay to validate the love you felt, even if their feelings were different or your feelings were not reciprocated. Your "positive" emotions are just as valid as your "negative" ones. Your feelings should never be dictated by another's feelings. As long as you carry strong boundaries alongside your feelings. My problem was that the love I speak of had no boundaries. I loved without boundaries and therefore I couldn't love myself or them properly. 

Before I spent this time by myself, I couldn't pinpoint exactly why I was hanging on. But I was able to figure out the emotions I was experiencing and the exact moment my trauma happened. Betrayal and unhealthy love...but still love. I've healed a lot thus far, but I have a long way's to go.

I'm on the bus to Ioannina right now and then Albania. A new adventure, new lessons, more healing, and a great deal more perspective. 

Love Annie

xoxo

Experiencing Sparti, Greece for a Single Backpacker

 

I'm not writing these blog posts in order of experience. I'm writing them in order of inspiration. And right now, the little town of Sparti, Greece has set my heart on fire and I just want to put it into words. 

As a millenial full of pop culture references, the reason I wanted to come here is because of the movie "300" that tells the story of 300 Spartan soldiers nearly defeating but ultimately being defeated by the vast Persian army. After that defeat, the next year, 20,000 soldiers marched forth and defeated the Persian army in a sweeping victory. I wanted to come and see the statue of Leonidas; the powerful warrior who lead the Spartans. But when I got here, there was so much more to Sparti than the statue. I was met with mountainous surroundings, hiking trails, ancient ruins, a happening city center, and lots of things to see and experience. 

Most people that have been here will tell you that you need a vehicle to enjoy your experience but that's total bull. If you have 2 feet and a heartbeat, it may take awhile but you can walk anywhere. The hotel I was staying at was at least a 20 minute walk from anything but I just looked at it as a way to get more sun and more exercise. Also, it's a much better way to see the incredible mountain views and really take it all in. 

                            

Let's start with the hike I did to Mystras. The hike from Sparti to the town of Mystras itself is about an hour and a half from city center. Hiking from the city center to the archeological site is about 2 hours. From here, you take some side streets and eventually end up on a path walking through the olive groves. Endless trees that produce the best olives in the world. I personally don't like olives but I can appreciate one of nature's greatest productions and the process that goes into producing the oils that we all love to cook with. Wear good shoes, dress for the weather, and pack snacks/lots of water! 

The archeological site of Mystras is filled with an eventful and interesting history that is written in the stones with which it was built. You will see the monastery of Pantanassa, the palace, and the castle at the very top. At a steady pace, it takes about an hour and a half to climb to the very top. As I called the castle at the top in one of my videos, "the final boss", it really does feel like the climb is never ending. I vowed to make it to the top no matter what. I nearly got locked in so I could make it to the top. When they blew the whistle for everyone to come down, I took off at a run to make the last 100 feet to the top and I made it and feel like I nearly died doing it haha. By the time I reached he gate, he was just chaining it up! 

The hike to and through this ancient city will leave you with a lifetime of memories and it will leave you in awe of the structures and history.

Next, I will recommend the acropolis of Sparta. Another venture of ancient ruins. These were built between the 2nd and 10th century. The theater was part of the imperial era. I lost most of my photos of this when my phone got wiped. But I think I still have a couple. This doesn't cost a thing to see. Just walk through the gate! It's about a 17 minute walk from city center. As for ancient cities, this is one of my favorites that I've seen, other than the ancient city of Mystras of course. 

The only thing I regret about this town is not exploring more of the hiking trails in the area. This is the perfect town to get your hike on. Another great spot to check out is the museum of Greek olives and olive oil. There is a lot of history both mythological and factual in all parts of the Mediterranean, the Aegean, and so on to quench your thirst for knowledge. Again, I lost all my photos of this spot but I'm going to swing by again on my way to the bus station to see it again. I'll add pics once I have them. 

Then, there is always sitting having a local Spartan beer at a spot in city center and absorbing everything you're seeing. The people here are incredibly warm and hospitable. I can definitely say moreso than in Athens. Truth is, I didn't enjoy Athens at all. Not like this. I really should have stayed longer. This is the first time I'm leaving before I'm ready. This town is one you fall in love with, you get attached to, you get wrapped up in it's warmth. When you come to Sparti, you've come home. 

I hope when you go to Sparti, you will experience the same feeling of forever that I did. 

Love, Annie

xoxo

Solo Travel: The Ultimate Teacher of Self Love and Self Trust

Learning to enjoy your own company has to be one of the hardest but most important life lessons you can learn. Especially since constantly surrounding yourself with people and finding a partner is so romanticized in everyday media. You face feelings and emotions you have been distracting yourself from. You don't know anyone so it's up to you to put yourself out there. Learning to embrace the solitude rather than wallow in it, and delve into the feelings that surface when lonliness creeps up on you is something that will follow you through the rest of your life. In this way, solo travel is very healing. You experience things you had no idea were just beneath the surface. And you start to notice small positive changes in yourself when you address those feelings and emotions. And when you start challenging the thoughts that keep you from moving forward and challenging yourself with new experiences. 

There is something that started happening between where I started on this trip in Bulgaria and when I got to Athens, Greece a month later after travelling through about 4 or 5 cities. I stopped checking my GPS so often, and I stopped taking so much time to get comfortable when I first entered the city. After awhile, I noticed I was getting more comfortable with myself, my intuition, and the confidence I had to figure things out as they came up. It never occurred to me that I was capable of being resourceful with a good sense of direction. The joke has always been that Annie has a bad sense of direction. The biggest downside and upside of solo travel is being solo. You're not relying on anyone but yourself and the result is that you learn so much about yourself but also, it would be nice to share this amazing growth and these experiences with someone. 

The reason that solo travel is the biggest teacher of self love is because it's the one thing that is purely about you, what you want to do, where you want to go, and you're putting you first. When you look at your life, you may say "I practice self love and self care. I take hot baths and do yoga, and read books at coffee shops and..." But be honest with yourself. How much of that is so you can refill your cup so you can be there for other people? How much of that is truly and only for YOU?! 

The most effective and long lasting practices of self love that will have lasting effects are uncomfortable. They involve a lot of growing pains, and putting yourself under the microscope and seeing how you can become a version of you that you want to be. And not for others. For you! Solo travel offers all of that discomfort that expands your comfort zone and capabilities beyond anything you ever imagined. 

When I left on this 4 month backpacking trip, I heard a lot of "Oh I couldn't do that. I have anxiety." Well, how do you think I healed my anxiety? I started doing things that made me uncomfortable so I could develop a stronger sense of self and feel 100x more secure in my own skin. I knew I could handle anything that came up. 

I hate to tell you, but that comfort zone you're so afraid of stepping outside of? psst. It's one of the biggest contributing factors to your anxiety. And in that way, you're depriving yourself of real self love beyond bubble baths and wine and self trust so you can start establishing relationships with people outside your circle and expanding the confidence that is deep within you and you never knew you had. 

Everyone, at least once in their lives, should experience solo travel. It doesn't have to be a big 4 month backpacking trip like I'm on, but there's no better gift to give yourself than to get out there in the world and learn about all the beauty it has to offer. 

Travel brings so much to life, but it also kills things like bigotry, prejudice, self doubt, and insecurity. It has the potential to heal a lifetime of anxiety, depression, boredom, and cliches if you let it. 

Solo travel allows you to fully embody who you really are without double standards, expectations, and the illusion of safety and comfort people have been conditioned to be so terrified of losing. If the global pandemic taught us anything, it's that nothing is truly secure or safe. Our jobs, our freedom, material things we are so attached to. It could all disappear overnight. 

It's time to get out there and discover your true potential and the confidence you never knew you had <3

Love Annie xoxo