Two weeks may not seem like a big deal but 2 weeks of straight solitude can feel like a lifetime. Emotions that I had been distracting myself from and pushing down started surfacing. My complete denial of their existence caught up to me in a hurry. The way I'm writing about this makes it sound like some horrible experience but the truth is, I was going to have to address them sooner or later. What better time to deal with unexpressed emotions than the solitude I had to cry hard, cry loud, and release the sorrow, the despair, the love, and the anger I had been clinging to. It only just occurred to me that I'm hanging on to a love that wasn't reciprocated, but that doesn't make my love any less valid.
Athens let me release energy I had pent up. Sparti gave me the isolation I needed to scream, to cry, to climb mountains and defeat obstacles literally and figuratively. It gave me the space to start seeing alone and lonliness as opportunities to start loving my own company. When I climbed the mountain in Mystras and took a hundred selfies and a thousand pictures of all the same things, I started to embrace my own company and gave me so many reasons to love being physically alone without needing to keep people away.
Patras let me truly experience that aloneness without the discomfort for once. It was comfortable, I was happy. I did what I pleased. Whether it was going for 4 hour walks or staying in and throwing on Netflix with snacks.
Ioannina is going to be my first time in nearly 2 weeks that I'll be staying with people and I'm almost nervous about it. I'm anxious but excited to socialize again and practice some yoga. I was really enjoying being by myself toward the end of my stay in Patras. But I'm also tired. I did a lot of moving around traveling place to place to place in Greece. So I'm excited to stay in one spot for longer.
I have a long way's to go but the solitude gave me the time and space I needed to work through some things. There are some things I still think about very single day. It takes up more mental energy than emotional now. I find relief in thinking about other things. But there were obviously unresolved emotions there and that's why it's all I've been thinking about.
Let's talk about my last "relationships". I think it's so hard to let go of because I never felt so loved and neglected at the same time. I think it's the biggest time in my life where I actually felt that my core needs were being met in some weird way. So I fell in love. Even though it was not a healthy love, it was still real love to me. And that's okay. I need to let it all in. I think that's what my yoga retreat will help with. Letting in my love for people and replacing anger with that love. But at some point, I still need to learn how to let it go.
As they say, travel doesn't solve your problems, it simply gives you the time and space to work through them. And no truer words have never been spoken.
It's okay to validate the love you felt, even if their feelings were different or your feelings were not reciprocated. Your "positive" emotions are just as valid as your "negative" ones. Your feelings should never be dictated by another's feelings. As long as you carry strong boundaries alongside your feelings. My problem was that the love I speak of had no boundaries. I loved without boundaries and therefore I couldn't love myself or them properly.
Before I spent this time by myself, I couldn't pinpoint exactly why I was hanging on. But I was able to figure out the emotions I was experiencing and the exact moment my trauma happened. Betrayal and unhealthy love...but still love. I've healed a lot thus far, but I have a long way's to go.
I'm on the bus to Ioannina right now and then Albania. A new adventure, new lessons, more healing, and a great deal more perspective.
Love Annie
xoxo
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